MONOLOGUE
Isn't it sad that that's my honest response to that question. Same. Old. Same. Old. No change. No progress.
How am I here? When did life hit the pause button? It just seems like nothing is worth waking up to any more.
I remember back when I got saved. To this day I still feel chills run down my spine when I think of it. It felt like I'd won a war I was sure to lose. I walked from darkness into light. Marvelous light. To know that God has my back...that everything would work out for my good...that there was a purpose attached to my life was the best thing ever.
But if you're like me, you may have realized that being a Christian is not the most popular identity you can bear. Be funny. Cool. Be a sinner. Better. Be a Christian? Can't hang with us. It seemed like after salvation life got harder. Even the people I was cool with started changing on me. And it seemed like all I now was was a Christian. They called me Pastor in the hallways at work. My friends didn't have too much free time any more. It got kinda lonely...but I had God, right?
I've never seen myself as a people pleaser. But I thought it wise to maybe not bring Jesus up everywhere. My salvation is real either way...and so is Jesus. Also, in an attempt to win over a few, perhaps I should let a few of those nasty jokes and stories slide. I forgot that all the strength I had is not my own. It belongs to the one who lives in me.
Ever since those decisions, I started on a downward spiral. What once was a struggle against sin is now a fight to excuse sin cycles in my life. I forgot about the great cloud of witnesses and they've all turned to blasphemy and I still don't think I'm to blame. Meanwhile I go through the motions giving zombie-service...seeming alive by outward appearances but knowing I'm dead within.
But no more. I want to live out the abundant life that I received I'm sick of trying to work things out on my own. I've fallen and I can't get up!! I refuse to die in this wilderness of my own making, knowing that I have a God and Father who longs to be gracious to me. There are also too many people waiting to be impacted by my abundantly-lived life. I know I cannot elicit the change on my own...believe me, I've tried. But after all the failure, I know what to do:
Lord, teach me to trust in You, to live in rooted submission. To know that one cannot live abundantly except within Your will. I give up every yoke I've submitted to...I've tried them all and they are brutal. But Your yoke is easy, Your burden is light. Your commands are not burdensome either. I ask that You would ignite the flame in me all for the glory of Your Name. Amen.
